mix posted on facebook:
july: Brian-Tennessee Claflin has a lot in common with Kurt Cobain,
Jim Morrison and Axel Rose
I am just watching a documetary about Kurt Cobain (on ARTE) and
I have to think a lot about the life of Brian
Rebells With Big Hearts
july: times are changing: the " ONLY WITH MASK "- years
february 2006 I started the MASK SHOW with wearing a black leather
mask in public and hiding my face as much as possible ... no pictures
without mask ... for many years ... before Lady Gaga had her first
big success ... before Pussy Riot ... before masks for everyone
the beginning it was difficult, because many people and media
didn´t accept an artist with a black mask in public. but
I had GREAT moments too, such as: meeting Tilda Swinton, Joe Dallesandro,
2011 I changed the black mask in a golden mask and have been around
that way especially every sunday at legendary PORKparty ... partying
with Amanda Seyfried, Michael Stipe, ... and thousands of LOVELY
PHANTASTIC more people <3
now: I plan to concentrate myself more on the production of paintings
in oil on canvas ... they should get all my energy.
but: in future: sometimes I will wear masks too ... different
masks ... for special events ... or when I am just in the mood
face and my real name will be part of the NEW presentation of
myself as artist ... as painter
july: some stories about my "only with MASK SHOW" (which
one has finished since today)
first about 18 months have been very hard, because I had almost
no supporters and even best friends told to stop that "stupid"
thing. ... and then I met Brian ... when we talked about what
I am doing, then I was very shy about telling him, that I am running
around in public while wearing a black leather mask.
Brian´s reaction was "THAT´S GENIUS!" ...
YES, Brian has been one of my BIG supporters and gave me a looooot
of power to continue that mask show
july: after 9 years: the MASK SHOW of Master Patrick and Fantasy48
now on there is just Patrick Bartsch with face*
YOU AAAAAALLLLLL for sharing those PHAAAAANTASTIC years with me
<3 LOVE YOU <3
july: *** HOL*LY***WOO*D *** in october I plan to travel to *
HOLLYWOOD * YES, the mooooost magic place in America ... since
my earliest child dreams*
I don´t know if I am able to make it ... I saved already
some money ... not a lot, but a lot for me ... about 300 euro
... I will do everthing to get enough money to do that trip ...
my first trip to America ... into the city of my dreams <3
it was planed to do it together with Brian ... and now I plan
to go there to say the last <3 GoodBye :* to Brian ... while
sitting next to the ocean and let flow some sand through my fingers
july: oh Brian <3 some days after your death, someone said
to me "take as much time as you need to grieve. but don´t
Brian <3 it is very hard not to despair
july: "Denke nie gedacht zu haben, denn das Denken der Gedanken
ist gedankenloses Denken." habe ich im Gespräch mit
einer älteren befreundeten Zigeunerin (keine Ahnung weshalb
man dieses Wort nicht verwenden soll. Ich mag es einfach und verbinde
damit viel Gutes) gesagt.
Sie sagte weiter "Wenn du denkst dann denkst du nur du denkst,
weil denken tust du nie."
Ich fragte sie daraufhin "Was dann?"
... und sie antwortete "Empfinden"
geschah vor etwa 12 Jahren und fliegt mir immer mal wieder durch
den Kopf ... und deshalb poste ich diese kleine Geschichte für
alle ... für zwischendurch*
july: Brian´s death and the guilty question
part of my grieve I do in public ... almost live here on fb. and
yes, there are people they see me guilty enough that they deleted
the fb friendship.
"yes" what should I have done different?
I have called Brian some more time? ... to check what he is doing
should I have stayed with him more time? ... that he didn´t
feel that much alone
should I have said more "I love you" and hug him? ...
that he feels it more, how much he means to me
reality was, that I was blind on a way ... too busy with myself
... ... *hmmmm* now I try to defend myself and I know it´s
the absolutly wrongest moment to talk about myself and making
defend attemps. but I am aware of that, that those questions and
answers will exist for the rest of my life.
will always judge me and this is their right ... doesn´t
matter how much they knew Brian and me.
are guilty, because you took dr*gs!"
"You are guitly, because you didn´t take away the dr*gs
out of Brian´s life!"
"You are guitly, because you have been a bad influence to
... this and much more will people think about me and talk about
me. and the fewest will say it directly to me while looking in
much am I guilty!?
is for sure: while using dr*gs I felt much stronger than I was.
I wasn´t any help to anyone. and this fact makes me guilty
on way. and if someone expects at least a sorry from my side,
than I would like to write it here: "SORRY!"
july: today I continued with the big 1,50 x 1,80 meters Brian
PORK party painting. today it was the first time, that it didn´t
made me happy to paint. the big "empty" space in the
middle is reserved for Brian. I think in about 3 weeks it will
july: it´s funny* 20 years ago I was a groupie of supermodel
Werner (and met him sometimes in Vienna) ... today I still am
and in 20 years I still will be :* WHAT A MAN <3
august: Violence against Jews, Gays and Police is increasing a
lot in in Berlin ... that sounds familiar to me ... when do we
have to leave Berlin again? ... for the reason to save our lives!
... it´s a tragedy what happens in Berlin right now ...
we have no intensions to delete islam people from that planet,
but they do ... 3rd world war just started ... a war about religions
... sad sad violent world :(
august: STOP SHARING AND POSTING THOSE VIOLENT VIDEOS AND PICTURES
!!! since war exists: everyone is lying about the war! you will
never know if those are the real uniforms belonging to those people
!!! in World War II and all other wars it is used to wear uniforms
from the enemies and created pictures to blame them !!! I AM SURE
THAT MINIMUM HALF (I think even up to 80 %) VIDEOS ARE JUST CREATED
TO BLAME THE ENEMY !!!
who shares those violent war videos makes themselves part of the
war, because those people are SEEDING HATE and are for that GUILTY
TOO ! ... think about it.
august: today before the Open Studio, I just thought "today
something special should happen..." ... wonderful guests
came here and in the evening phantastic artist Pancho Panoptes
was standing at my door ^^ we discovered, that we have a lot in
common* Thank You for that special evening*
august: Patrick means " HOW CUUUUTIEEEEE :* Baptiste´s
new tattoo KL VIII VI MMVIII is the date when Karl & Baptiste
met eachother the first time <3 LOVE YOU GUYS <3 :*
august: the dialogue about the latest painting, between Brian
and me, would be similar like that:
Brian: "what´s that!?"
me: "this is you Brian ... at your PORKparty ... when Gio
did his show there and put you up in the air"
me: "what!? I think it´s good ... there is enough space
left to build up an own fantasy"
and now Brian would say either "I love it!" or he would
say "you should hide it and never show it to someone!"
it´s my first BIG SIZE (1,50 x 1,80 meters) painting and
as this one I like it ... of course there is a lot to do better
next time ... but at least I like to look at it* and yes, I see
the WILD Brian as I knew him and I see the wild PORKparty°°
august: (comment pic Schluchsee) this is where and how I grew
up ^^ any more questions!? *DAMN* it is AWESOME BEAUTIFUL there
<3 I haven´t been there since about 15 years ... why!?
because they are homophobic in the F*CKING VILLAGE ... as in most
little villages *HMMMMPPPFFF*
august: (comment) it feels goog to concentrate on smaller size
paintings again* today I listened to "the best of Bach"
while creating new paintings. this one is from a photoshooting
I did some years ago which was inspired by paintings by Gottfried
august: yes, of course there exist those of my paintings, where
nothing fits together, everything looks wrong ... let´s
describe them as UGLY
nobody wants them and they stay with me ... I see them all the
time ... and after a certain time I start to built up a relationship
with them ... and after some weeks, some months I start to find
some beauty in them and then I start to love them <3
is the moment when I realize again, that ...
there is no ugly nature
... there are no ugly humans
... there are no ugly animals
... there is no ugly art
august: what a PERFECT evening/night at the 10 years Berghain
celebration ^^ spending many hours with wonderful people ... meeting
a looooot of loved friends ... enjoying the Berlin summer evening/night
... GREAT exhibition in a STUNNING new Berghain location ... and
YES, Bisky is one of my absolutly fav painters ... and wonderful
Ali Kepenek reached me again with his GREAT work and live too
... B I G THX to everyone <3
august: (video comment) Berlin isn´t far away from that
... YES, I have a problem with religions which want to see queer
people DEAD !
august: when Islam rules the world, then: they would destroy the
pyramids & the sphinx in Egypt, the Taj Mahal in India, the
Potala in Tibet, ... they would kill queer people, women, ...
in daily processes. almost everyone would wear black. DARK DARK
BLOODY AGES ... WHAT A NIGHTMARE FANTASY ! ... äääöööhhmmmm
"fantasy"? how long THIS WILL BE JUST A FANTASY !!!???
already reality at too many places on that wonderful colorful
august: okokok DON´T LET THEM FANATIC ISLAM PEOPLE RULE
EUROPE ! THEY WOULD DESTROY ALL AAAALLLLL OF OUR CULTURE !!! ALL
CHURCHES !!! ALL "HALFNAKED" SCULPTURES !!! THEY WOULD
DESTROY HALF OF ROME !!! MICHELANGELO´S SIXTINIAN CHAPEL
!!! DAVID !!! THEY WOULD DESTROY HALF OF GREECE !!! AKROPOLIS
!!! AND AND AND ... ISLAM IN EUROPE NEED TO BE STOPPED !!! IMMEDIATLY
paintings in Louvre in Paris, in Prado in Madrid, ... the list
is tooooo looooong .... for what is on their list to destroy
august: sometimes ...
as right now ...
<3 Brian <3 is that much present to me ...
can see him dance ...
can smell him ...
see him laughing ...
hear his voice ... it feels as if I could touch him
then I realize ... but don´t want to accept ... and have
to accept ... that those memories are the only things left for
august: Patrick´s every day life:
´ CLASSIC MUSIC ´ BLOODY MASSACRES ´ PAINTINGS
IN OIL ON CANVAS ´ ISRAEL ´ PARTIES ´ ART
try and try and try to understand that world I am living in ...
I try to understand myself how I can watch videos of bloody massacres
happening in Iraq and some hours later enjoy an art opening. cry
about the death of Brian ... then going to a party ... and some
hours later meeting friends from Tel Aviv which are watching the
latest war videos. and in between I am listen non-stop to classic
music such as Bach, Mozart, Mahler, Beethoven, ... which push
my emotions ... additionally
try to run away with my minds ... and dream of a beautiful world
in peace and harmony ... where everybody loves everyone ... and
animals are loved too ... ... and I realize that those are FANTASIES
´ ILLUSIONS ´ it´s just not existing
feels that much stange, that it is almost not possible to find
words for it
august: +++ pls only read it when you can handle "difficult"
very personal: yes, I thought about it before, if I should write
it here or not. and pls again: stop reading when you can´t
handle stories about thoughts of suicide.
I have depressions almost all my life ( I think it got caused
actually, because during my youth I needed to hide my homosexuality
in a very heavy way ). later I had wonderful months and years,
but also I know what it means to have the worst depressions for
months and even years. I know how it feels to be in that "BIG
black hole" where you don´t find ways out of it and
fantasies about an own suicide are full created and finished in
the head ... it just needs to do it. but I always found ways out
of that "nothing-but-black-in-my-head". I never went
to doctors because of that, because they annoy me. I prefered
to heal myself ... even when that means to life completly isolated
from society for many months.
last heavy depression just ended about 3 years ago and I was very
happy about surviving it. right now I can´t really say,
that I suffer a depression, but my suicide plans, which I created
for myself some years ago, are sometimes very present. and yes,
sometimes, right now, it is hard not realize them. that feeling
to follow Brian ... and not to do it ... keeps me "busy"
struggle with life (and this is not really a new feeling to me)
and being sober (since about 5 weeks) is one of my ways to going
on with my life. I need to fight hard those days ... experiments
are not allowed ... to become stronger again ... step by step
... are my little goals right now
I realize it is you too ... very special people here on fb (some/many
even may have no idea how much they mean to me) which bring me
away from suicide thoughts ... when the red fb-symbol flashes,
and someone special pressed the like-button and/or wrote a comment.
it makes me forget my suicide thoughts and thoughts about literal
following Brian ... for a moment and sometimes longer.
the result for today means: not everything on that planet is dark,
there are wonderful colorful people living here on that planet
too ... and they make it worth staying longer here